How to get away with flatulence in public- The Ultimate Guide

Agreed. The title has an incredible and lofty claim. Every single person on the planet has to deal with this and if someone says they never fart, well, stay away from them because either they are dishonest or an alien/cyborg pretending to be human.

Getting away with farting in public is nothing short of cheating the Income Tax Department in terms of how difficult it is. But Trust me <winks>, it is very much possible.

In fact, you can get away with it almost every single time. Except, of course, when there is just one another person in the room with you and you do not know any Jedi mind tricks to convince them that it was them! So, full disclosure: this advice may not work if you are with your significant other or maybe your co-worker. However, there is a definite way to enhance the probability of them not finding out. How? You ask? Well, the answer lies in science. So, without further ado, let’s science the shit out of it. (pardon the pun!)

The Basics

Alright! Let’s first understand why we fart. It’s simple, really. Our entire digestive system starting from our mouth to the anus is essentially one huge flexible conduit. In other words, it’s kinda like a balloon. When there is an accumulation of gas inside the digestive tract(basically the intestines) we feel the pressure. When the pressure is sufficient, either due to excess gas or maybe an external stimulus such as my friend Vicky doing crunches in the middle of the day for no reason, the gas escapes out of the ol’ pooper.

But, why couldn’t we just burp that out? It sounds disgusting, I know. But wait a minute and think logically. If all of the digestive systems is one long continuous tube, the gas could have gone either way. We aren’t wrong in thinking so. In fact, burps and farts are not that different. The gas that’s trapped closer to the mouth, that is in the oesophagus (food pipe)or the stomach usually tends to go upwards and the gas trapped in the intestines goes down as farts.

But where does the gas come from? Well, you swallow most of it from air when you breathe with your mouth while talking or chewing. Or when you have an aerated drink (Thank you very much Coca Cola!). The digestion of complex carbohydrates is difficult for the intestines so breaking down these molecules have byproducts such as gas. However, the gas we have talked about till now is actually odourless. What really gives it the rotten-egg-burning-my-nostril-hairs fragrance and I'd-rather-suffocate-to-death smell is the presence of H₂S. Hydrogen Sulfide gas which is naturally pungent is created by the bacteria in the large intestine, which helps in the digestion process.

Dude, come to the point. How can I get away with it when I am around folks. Well, there are a few ways this can be done. The first step is to make it silent. Muting the ass acoustics is a must. If they can’t hear where it came from, they can’t point their fingers at you. Rather they wouldn’t know whom to point fingers at. Farts are loudest when there is a large amount of gas bursting out in a short amount of time. A large amount of energy-releasing quickly is exactly what an explosion is. Now that we know it, let’s reverse engineer it. Releasing it all in one go in a relaxed manner will lead to a delayed low pitched sound much like sweaty naked flesh sliding on a marble floor. And quick short burst will sound like a puppy whose paw was run over by a car. So, we need to release the pressure as slowly as we can and do it in easy instalments so that one huge atomic bomb becomes a series of silent whispers.

Secondly, although genetics plays a role, people with small buttocks can almost always release silent assassins (These God damn skinny folk always get the best of everything!). This is because the air that comes out of the nozzle (I mean Uranus for the uninitiated) has a large volume to expand to. So the energy gets dissipated into the air without making any noise. But if it were to be released from a small opening, the vibrations will be more vigorous and you will definitely feel the thunder. The tighter the nozzle, the higher in pitch the sound will be. This is like exactly whistling, if you reduce the opening of your mouth, you can whistle higher notes. So, if you are blessed with big booty, do not worry. Be thankful for what you have because there is a workaround. You gotta be sneaky, though. When you feel the pressure come knocking at your door, slightly adjust in your seat as if you have been sitting in the same position for too long such that you part your cheeks creating a canyon and in short intermittent bursts, listen to Elsa from Frozen and Let it Go.

Thirdly, Thank god that Hydrogen sulfide is heavier than air. This means, it will settle down before diffusing. So, let's say you are standing with a group of friends in a circle and the kidney beans from lunch are not doing you any favours right now. You drop whatever is in your hands and squat down to pick it up or maybe pretend to tie your lace and obviously, let it rip. When the explosion occurs at ankle level, it becomes super difficult for the blast wave to reach the nostril levels of the shortest person in the group. You can start counting to 10 Mississippi from here and if you reach 10 and no one has displayed any violent pullbacks, congratulate yourself, you sneaky bastard! The wind can be a double-edged sword in such a scenario. It could sway the faecal fumes right into your crush’s nose when they are eating or may produce reactions and gag reflexes in the group standing next to you and create a ventriloquist effect. So, unless you are in the midst of a hurricane, do not count on wind.

Fourth. This has to do with human psychology. Yes. You read it right. Imagine there is a fierce discussion going on among your group of friends and one person is making their point when the news breaks. There is sudden chaos and everybody is running helter-skelter to take shelter in the next room until the situation returns to normal. After a while, they all regroup and try to investigate who the culprit was. Can you guess who has the best alibi among them all? It’s obviously the one who was busy talking. They possibly couldn’t have coordinated complex thought processes along with the mechanics of a flatulent volcanic eruption. So, the way to go about it is, if you gotta let your butt-cheeks squeak, you better be the one to speak. When you feel the pressure mounting, contrary to your intuition, put your brain cells to work and come up with an original thought or contradict the status quo. Nobody will even consider that it was you all along. And also don’t be the one to react first to the splendid reaction that occurs in your nose. Wait for a cue from the first victim and follow their lead.

Another aspect we can consider at this juncture is that the one who initiates the blame on someone after regrouping is probably going to be considered the prime suspect by the jury. But the one who backs the first person forever remains in the shadows. Be the second one.

Bonus Content

Some other hacks you might want to consider:

You keep your radioactive effluents contained by quickly tying your sweater around your waist and creating a containment zone right around the mouth of the volcano. This may not completely contain the fallout but will definitely buy you some time to escape into oblivion.

If you have a notebook around, you suddenly pretend to feel hot and use your notebook as a hand fan to blow around your body hoping your efforts will lead the air-venom away from the people near you.

Come up with a truly spontaneous idea for everyone around you to take a small break and walk around (most importantly away) from wherever you are.

And then there is always hydrating yourself sufficiently, eating foods that suit your intestines and if inevitable, getting yourself examined by a physician and excusing yourself to a corner where you can calm the storm privately. But, where’s the fun in that. If there were no laws, there would be no crime. It’s the fact that you can do this amidst a social gathering like a wedding or a funeral and get away with it that is most enticing. Only you know what you have done. Nobody knows your truth. You are invisible. You are God.

All said and done, if, unfortunately, you do get caught, do not hesitate to point your surviving victims to this article. It says Smelling farts may actually be healthy for you.

Urgh! Thanks but I’ll pass. (Apologies again for the pun)

Hope you enjoyed that! I sincerely hope everyone in the world gets to read this and we reach the utopia we deserve where no one ever knows who gassed the chambers. We just move on without fussing over it.